The Stoner Bible
Welcome to The Stoner Bible Project. Here you will watch Stoner Jesus write The Stoner Bible in real time. When it is finished it will contain all the knowledge future stoners will need to know.
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The Stoner Bible
Genesis Of The Herb
CH1V1 – In the beginning Stoner God created the herb, and it was great.
CH1V2 – There were no papers or bongs or vaporizers, and The Lord could see that was whack.
CH1V3 – And Stoner God said let there be papers for spliffs and doobies.
CH1V4 – And Stoner God beheld the doobie and saw that it was good.
CH1V5 – But He saw that the doobage did not have a light, and He created that light.
CH1V6 – And Stoner God blazed the doobage, and it was good.
CH1V7 – Then He realized He had mad cottonmouth, and He created water.
CH1V8 – Stoner God then took a hella weed nap, and when he awoke, it was the second day.
CH1V9 – And He saw that the world needed more cool stuff: and it was so.
CH1V10 – And He brought forth the grass, and more herb and the trees, and saw that they were good.
CH1V11 – After more doobage, Stoner God saw that all was kick ass and it was time for sleep.
CH1V12 – When Stoner God awoke he knew his herb would need light to grow, and he made it so.
CH1V13 – And Stoner God made two lights, the greater light for growing his herb, and the lesser light for chillin’.
CH1V14 – And he saw how well his herb grew, and he knew it was good.
CH1V15 – And He had mad munchies, so he brought forth every animal, to chill with and eat if they tasted good.
CH1V16 – And since He didn’t want to spend all his time creating, He told the animals to have sex and multiply.
CH1V17 – Then He blazed some fresh herb, and sleep was good.
CH1V18 – The next day, Stoner God saw all the animals and saw that it was boring.
CH1V19 – And He made man in his image, and gave him dominion over the herb, so that he could be stoned.
CH1V20 – Then He saw man had no pussy, so he blazed a doob and created vagina.
CH1V21 – Then man and vagina began to argue, and He said shut up and partake of the herb.
CH1V22 – So they did as Stoner God commanded and got down to the business of multiplying.
CH1V23 – And He saw that all was good, and that it had been a kick-ass six days.
CH2V1 – And Stoner God saw that all was done, and he rested on the seventh day and blazed.
CH2V2 – After much rest from a long herb nap, He awoke and made the Garden of Eden.
CH2V3 – He filled the Garden with many plants, and the glorious herb was plentiful.
CH2V4 – And He made many rivers flow into the Garden, to feed the herb and quench the dreaded cottonmouth.
CH2V5 – And He named man Adam and woman Eve because those names were easy to remember.
CH2V6 – Seeing that they were stoned with mad munchies, He told them they could eat from any tree.
CH2V7 – But just to mess with them, He said they couldn’t eat from one certain tree.
CH2V8 – Soon Adam whined that Eve was getting on his last nerve, so Stoner God made him give names to the animals to keep him occupied.
CH2V9 – While Adam was naming animals, Stoner God gave his flesh to Eve, and it was damn good.
CH2V10 – Stoner God saw Eve naked and was proud of his work. He gave her his flesh again that night, and once more in the morning.
CH3V1 – Stoner God had some business to take care of, so he left Eve alone in the Garden.
CH3V2 – Eve blazed the herb and the serpent slid up beside her saying, Can I hit that?
CH3V3 – Eve shared the herb with the serpent, and he said, Remember that tree Stoner God said not to eat from?
CH3V4 – Eve did not remember, for she was stoned, so the serpent explained it again.
CH3V5 – The serpent told Eve she could eat from the tree, and Eve had mad munchies, so she did.
CH3V6 – She told Adam to eat from the tree as well, and he did because he was horny and didn’t want to piss her off.
CH3V7 – When they awoke from their weed nap, they saw that they were naked and the tree had made them fat.
CH3V8 – Stoner God came upon them and saw that they were fat, and knew what they had done.
CH3V9 – Did thou eat from the McDonald’s tree, Stoner God asked, as Adam and Eve tried to cover their love handles.
CH3V10 – The serpent gave me a value meal coupon, Eve said, And I was baked.
CH3V11 – The serpent owns McDonald’s stock you dumb bitch, Stoner God said, Now your children will be fat and annoying.
CH3V12 – Unto Adam Stoner God said, get your bitch in check, she be straight trippin’.
CH4V1 – And Adam did check his bitch; he checked her with his hard wood.
CH4V2 – Then Eve popped out a kid, and he was named Cain.
CH4V3 – And since TV had yet to be invented, Adam and Eve kept banging out of a lack of other shit to do.
CH4V4 – So Eve was again pudgy with child, and this one they named Abel.
CH4V5 – To get the kids out of their hair, Abel was put in charge of animals, and Cain was put in charge of growing herb and other plants and shit.
CH4V6 – While Abel got mad respect for his animals, Cain got no props for his badass strains of herb, and he thought this was bullshit.
CH4V7 – And Stoner God went to Cain and asked him what had him raggin’.
CH4V8 – And Cain was all like, I’m growing this dope herb, where are my props?
CH4V9 – And Stoner God said unto Cain, dope herb is it’s own reward, be grateful and silence thy bitching.
CH4V10 – This pissed Cain right off, so he went to find Abel and give him a beat down.
CH4V11 – And a beat down he did giveth, Worldstar-style, until Abel was dead.
CH4V12 – And Stoner God was like, WTF? I saweth the video on Worldstar, it has 800,000 views, what have you done?
CH4V13 – And Stoner God cast Cain out of his dope herb gardens, to forever wander the Earth without doobage.
CH4V14 – And The Lord put a mark on Cain, so that all who saw him would not puff, puff, pass to him.
CH4V15 – And Cain knew this was indeed whack, for he had on him the mark of The Bitch.
CH4V16 – So Cain wandered the earth, sober and wishin’ he could blaze a spliff.
CH4V17 – Then Cain met a bitch…yes, a bitch! I know what you’re saying, where the fuck did this bitch come from? Don’t worry about it and don’t question the word of GOD!
CH4V18 – Where was I? Oh yeah, Cain’s bitch. She was a fine bitch and begat him many little rug rats.
CH4V19 – Then through some sort of incest I guess, the rug rats grew up and begat more rug rats.
CH4V20 – While this was going on, Eve popped out another kid to replace the bitch Cain, and he was named Seth (not Rogen).
CH4V21 – And Seth found a bitch…possibly a niece…and she bore him a son, named Enos.
CH5V1 – Now here is where I tell you what a bad ass motherfucker Adam was.
CH5V2 – He lived a really long time, and so did his kids and shit.
CH5V3 – Lots of people with weird names were born, living various amounts of time, some much longer than others.
CH5V4 – I won’t name them all here because they are not important. Just know they lived and died and leave it at that.
CH5V5 – Lots of incest…lots.
CH6V1 – And Stoner God grieved that there was much banging afoot, and not so much doobage burning.
CH6V2 – He had created weed to curb man’s wickedness, yet man needed to blaze it for it to work.
CH6V3 – So Stoner God grew angry and wanted to drown all those little fuckers…and he could too…all it would take is one huge flood!
CH6V4 – Then Stoner God met a fly nigga named Noah.
CH6V5 – Noah liked to blaze the holy herb and like to copulate with mad bitches.
CH6V6 – These things pleased Stoner God, as these things were good.
CH6V7 – So Noah made a deal with Stoner God. Bring the flood, but let Noah save some bitches and some animals or some shit.
CH6V8 – So Stoner God told Noah to build a big ass boat.